What happened to those days... When life was so simple. What happened to those days, when I looked in the mirror, I knew who I was. and what happened to those days, that I knew what true love is. Looking into the mirror is such a choir these days. only moments here and there I find what I knew once to be true. Let no one feel bad, or think twice about me...for I never deserve it. It has been my path that I walk. it is the red road...to the city of Charis. at least it once was the path, but now Errabus is the city that I live in. but I know this voice of god still, for it never leaves me. But i leave him every single fucking day... and I suffer for it, I suffer, because I choose it. sounds like I have an easy choice to make. Why am i the sound of this broken record??? over and over I do these things. over and over I give away another piece of my soul. the sadness in this house is so fucking great. its like maybe one day, things will change...some day...maybe...hopefully...Ill just choose to be stuck untill then. Ill choose to slowly harden, break apart, and fail...one day at a time. I let them fly down through the roof here, they run the show, they devour us through our chests nightly and we feel it during the day. spirits of darkness run my house, run my life. Yes, I ran to them. I RAN TO THEM. there is no reason to be here anymore...there was never any reason to be here. or should I turn my perception to the fact that there was a purpose...I ran from god, and spit in his face, and choose my wayward way, and this was my way having to gain knowledge??? my old youth paster told me he left god for 8 LONG YEARS...its been almost 2 for me. Im so sorry I lead you on when I moved to colorado. that was never my intention. I really was trying to come back to god, but somehow I have felt the last 3 years to some degree have been god's will. its times like this, I wish I could just paint a picture of how I feel, it would put my soul at ease.

enough of that.

I am so thankful for my band, and my brotherhood I am a part of. these 5 other souls I am joined with, is everything to me. These are the memories I will have forever, and Im completely proud of. our new music is so mean, so full of talent, and when people come to our practices they are blown away by our sound... that makes me proud. that feeling that I get when I look over, and sever's headbanging to hell, texxx is smashing his drums in a fury, angel is pouring out his soul and blood, skitzo is losing his mind, venom is 110% psychotic... all together, we get lost in relevent. we are a unit, a platoon. we destroy the earth with our sound, and it makes people fall to the ground...the first thing I have done right in my entire existence. when Im behind my bass with my five brothers I feel so alive...and when its on stage, together, just the thought alone it brings tears to my eyes. i dont care how disgusting our music is to my mother and father, to me it is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had in my life. the spirit of pure metal, coming from souls of a lost generation. I am a part of that generation...and our music reaches people, a part of me reaches out, and I see in every one of their eyes when Im playing. that connection is... the hunger we all have inside of ourselves. the hunger god designed us to have...for him. but none of them know this. I do... this has been such a blessing, and I dont want it to end... I want to run forever with this. the energy we share, the crazyness, the understanding... I cant describe what Im feeling except to say that being a part of relevent and our madness makes me think about father more then ever. I would never had run into venom that day at 6 flags with jasmine if it was'nt for him. they would had found some other bass player that is way better then me. but god granted my two years prayer, and gave me more then what I asked... He gave me a brotherhood I would die for.
but it seems within that answer I have found addiction to overrun my life... I have found depression like none other. Lust has grown into a monster, a monster that has grown to depths I never thought imaginable. point there is good mixed with band and i dont understand what im in this part of my life for.

This sky has been brought back to my soul. The past has been revealed, and it makes my heart of concrete melt. There is nothing I can do, when I look up at the sky, and it brings me back. like a korpse's symphony, it takes my soul, and makes me float above the ground. 3 years, so much change. mountains of sky, and an 1100 mile echo breathe behind my ears and my thoughts. smashing pumpkins every year bring me back to adore those I once lost my self in... those eyes took me so far. Now it is memory that keeps that time alive. My life, everyday, consists of death, and the loss I see in every pair of eyes that I meet, keeps me alive, that is what keeps me breathing. it reveals the blood flowing in my veins, and reminds me that the clock is ticking. towers that I once stood upon, with my father, that were new and strong, had purpose, are now defunct and decaying. Only a memory in a korpse's symphony. An art form, that is blessing, flows within my body, concurs this planet in its entirety. The kings of my dream, dream larger then I could had ever imagined... and we have traveled the galaxy, but indifference between us destroys our brother hood. How long, will our kingship have meaning? I see inside of you, we have long left you...to me, we are one and fight as one. I see having an angle, an inside look, a stern vision no one else could ever understand, would bring new meaning. An ocean of growth, maturity and wisdom, brings strength, but end from a nuclear holoucust. This is something that has been apart of me since I was born... but tomarrow is a new day, and my symphony does not have to be a mournful one... for there is still hope. there is still life beating, there is still unity between us. and I will run forever untill this heart explodes.